I…

Breathing, talking, just being. Life is a living hell, I’ve tried and I’ve tried to turn it around but no. Truthfully I’m fine, being miserable is what I’m good at.. Sure it sucks to feel this way; not being able to handle life, having trouble breathing, the panic attacks, the anxiety, insecurities, and self-hatred… Despite what people say this shit defines me, or at least it has for years and continues to be who I am today. I couldnt help it then nor can I help it now. I put on a front out of fear, I do what I do because I know what happens when I don’t. I dont mean to be offensive, but truth is I hate being around people, I don’t enjoy just hanging out. I’d rather be alone.

There are times when I am fooled into thinking that ” yeah I actually enjoyed myself” it happens… But I can’t tell if it is ever real simply because most of the time I regret having left the house. I know many won’t get it from my point of view but I’m hoping there will come a time when I. Can completely mean it when I say ” I enjoyed myself, and I’m glad I went to be with someone.”…

Okay this post is all over the place, but I have a million thoughts racing through my mind so I let some of it out in a jumble.